Suffering

It's been almost three weeks since I returned from my trip to Costa Rica and San Blas.  I can't believe it.   Some days I almost forget, and then other days I'm so homesick for Latin America and my Never The Same family that it hurts.

The transition back to white, middle class, American life has been rough.  I feel like a misfit.  I always come back from these trips truly Never The Same.  But how do I apply that to my everyday life and explain that to the people in my life?

I held a missions night in my parent's home this week for all my supporters who faithfully prayed for me and encouraged me.  It was so much fun to show them what I had done on my trip, and share the many amazing stories of how God was at work.  At one point, I asked if anyone had any questions, and one of my friends had one that hit my heart hard.  She said, "How do you deal with all the suffering you saw?"  It's a great question.  Especially since it's one I'm wrestling with in my day to day life in my new job working with kids with Autism.  I said, "I don't really know.  It's so hard.  I've spent a lot of time crying."  And it's true.  Although I know God is a good God who loves His children and those who don't know Him as well, and even though I know we live in a fallen world filled with sin and suffering, at least for now, I find myself daily asking God why He would allow suffering.  Especially the suffering of children.  It breaks my heart.

And, as if that weren't enough suffering to contemplate and wrestle with already, I found myself face-to-face with more suffering.  In my own house.  After a horrible Monday filled with anxiety about my schedule for work and school in the fall, lots of uncertainty, working my first shift with the most challenging kid at work, missing half of Bible study because of my work schedule, and trying to move files on my computer over to an external hard drive with no luck, my Mom came upstairs to tell me one of our guinea pigs was partially paralyzed in his back legs.  I lost it.  More suffering, God?  Really?  As if what I saw in Costa Rica and San Blas was not enough?  In my very own house?  I cried as I watched my guinea pig walk, dragging his back legs along the ground, struggling to keep his face from dragging.  And I thought of a little boy I saw in Costa Rica who probably has polio or some other bone disease, giving him bowed legs, that will probably someday render him unable to walk, because he will most likely not receive the medical care he needs.  My heart broke.  And I'm still dealing with it, four days later.  I want to go back to Costa Rica and fix all the hurt I saw, helping those who have nothing.  But I can't right now.  I would leave everything and go.  But school is calling, training is calling.  I do not want to go unequipped.  I want to get my master's degree in counseling, so I can help the hurting in other countries with the experience God will give me.  And I know I will be able to help more if I wait.  But the waiting is so hard.  It helps immeasurably to be able to go back to Latin America every so often, so I can be reminded of what I'm working towards.  But in the meantime, I wait.  With an anxious and broken heart, waiting for God to bring healing and joy in the midst of suffering.