Forget The Former Things

This transition from full-time ministry to full-time student was hardly a transition.  It was more like a rude awakening, cold water thrown in my face.

When they say that coming down from the mountain at camp is coming down from a sort of high, they aren't kidding.  It becomes your life, up there.  Everything you have, everything you do is all in one place, and your focus and mission is always clear.  Never is there doubt of what you are doing, or when you should be doing it.  Everything is on a set schedule; every meal is set before you, every activity clearly presented.  There is no technology, no other worlds pulling you to and fro.  You are just there.  In the midst of a mountain valley, quiet and at rest in the midst of the organized chaos.

You have no choice but to be in the moment.  There is no escape, no time to talk to people in other worlds.  You are just there.  My soul found the rest and quiet it had never known before.  It was so peaceful there.  God inhabits that place in ways I never thought possible.  There, in the valley surrounded by charred trees and underbrush, God is.  Peace that passes understanding dwells in that place.  There were times when I could swear that I heard the very voice of God whispering through the trees and rushing towards the vast expanse of sky, then turning, and rushing down into my soul.

My heart was healed.  Healed from the aches and pains of the previous semester.  Healed of insecurity, worry and fear.  Healed of the past.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." ~Isaiah 43:18-19.

And now I find myself immersed in my school and work once again.  How do I remember all that God did this past summer as I bury myself in my studies?  How is His presence revealed to me here, in the chaos and the noise of school?

I don't know.  But I hope He shows me.  

Wild at Heart or Dying at Heart?

"Safe?  Who said anything about safe?  'Course he isn't safe.  But he's good." ~C.S. Lewis

I love this quote from C.S. Lewis.  It's from the Chronicles of Narnia, and it refers to Aslan.  He is a good lion after all, but not a tame one.  He is wild.  He's not scary, just wild.  He's a free spirit, full of passion.  Wild at Heart.

I'm reading "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge, a book written for Christian men, showing them how God made them wild at heart.  They NEED a cause to fight for, an adventure to set out on, a maiden to rescue.  But first, they must find their heart.

Where is it?  It's buried in things our culture has told is are important.  An education, career, money, fame, awards.  And life got buried with it. 

As I've been reading, I've been thinking that men are not alone in losing their hearts.  My heart often gets buried beneath due dates, work, school, an internship, and just....stuff.  When I pull out my crocheting, mentor Sr. High girls, or read books I actually want to read, I find it again.

But this, this is the question that has been haunting me.  Why do I do this to myself?  Why do I let my heart get buried beneath grades, reading assignments, papers, and projects?  Why do I let it get buried beneath the critiques of my writing, friends in pain, and lots of work?  It's not worth it.

And so I'm on a journey to re-discover my heart.  Might it mean unfinished homework?  Yeah,  probably.  Might it mean missed commitments?  Yep.  Lower grades?  Perhaps.  But today, I have made a resolution.  My heart can no longer live in mediocrity, burying itself to get through the last  three semesters of school.   I resolve to find my heart again, to breathe, to do things I love to do that I don't have time to do.  Because my heart needs to be found, and captivated.  And you know what?  I bet I'll find some other hearts along the way.