Pulled

Never have I had such turmoil within my soul.  My heart feels pulled in a different direction, but I am unsure what that is.  This feeling has been building up for over a year now, but I have pushed it aside in the midst of what I knew and the goal I was headed toward.  For the past three years, I've been working hard toward a degree in Creative Writing and Psychology.  This is the only leading I've ever had from God career wise: to use writing as a therapy.  So I thought, okay, cool, let's do that.  Let's major in Creative Writing and minor in Psychology.   But the closer I've gotten toward my goal, the further my heart has strayed.  I don't even know where it is, but it has certainly traveled somewhere else, far far away.  This is crazy.  Why would I give up on this now?  God is a God of order, right?  A God of peace, logic, and sense.  Yes.  But what am I to do with this stirring in my soul that I cannot ignore?  Every day it is stirred more.  Every day, God says "leave it."  And I say, "okay, to go where?  To do what?"  And all He says is "Leave it."  I try to make sense of it, I try to find another direction to walk in.  And all He says is "Leave it."  I can't possibly hope to ignore Him any longer.  Every avenue I pursue, every career field I explore, I come away empty handed, with no further insight than I had before.  What does this mean?  Do I stick it out and finish my degree, even though I hate it?  Or do I follow to wherever in no man's land he is leading my heart and figure it out?  By the world's standards, this is crazy.  I feel a bit like Joan of Arc.  I hear so many voices, so many lies, my brain is swimming, and I can't hear God.  I don't have time to listen for His voice.  I keep plugging away at school, at work, trying to keep going.  But inside, I'm dying.  This major is KILLING me.  It's draining me of every breath I have, of every ounce of joy.  I've lost myself in it, and not in a good way.  Yes, I know I have to walk by faith.  No one knows where they will end up in their career when they pick a major.  But I'm so paralyzed, I don't know where to go.  Is this a fault of my indecision, or is it God's leading?  I wish He would tell me.  In the meantime, my heart gets pulled further and further away; from Belhaven, from my friends here, from school, from Creative Writing, and towards something else.  I just wish I knew what it was.